So what exactly is in my head?
More than a year ago, I had posted an analysis-cum-confession on this very blog (it was deleted due to (vague-adjective) reasons). I am proud today, while I read it, that I had the stomach to post such a difficult confession up for the world to see. And now that I read it, I find myself in a much better place than I was then.
Today, redoing the same post with even more self-respect and pride, I am not ashamed to admit the trauma I went through during that monstrous phase of life. If anything, I hope this post will help the others out there, like me, to realize that it gets easier with time. That it won’t completely heal, but living with it will be easier once you learn to live with it. That is what counts. Learning. Understanding. Accepting your own head, and heart as they are.
Back in the day, not until very long ago, my trauma held me paralyzed. Not literally, but it kept my life on hold, for almost a couple of months. I cried tears of frustration, agony, pain, desperation, anger. I was “depressed” for the maximum part of my consciousness. And I’m sure many will relate when I say there wasn’t an end to the trail of thoughts I had. Completely out of sorts, unordered and vague thoughts, negative mostly. I over-ate, over-slept, or sometimes just the opposite. I was afraid of being alone, or left out. I hurt myself and I stopped owning the perspective I needed to carry on with life. When confronted the so-called acquaintances, I was waved off with a reply that summarized to “it’s all in your head”.
The society is trained to either ignore defects or consider them completely harmful. This extreme-psychology is what causes most of the mess that we call living. We need to understand that there isn’t a solution to a problem that you haven’t accepted. Being diagnosed as a borderline was one of the most enlightening things that happened to me. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. Let me explain. Before getting diagnosed, I was very confused about myself. I couldn’t understand my impulsive reactions, or my rage or anxiety. I made a lot of mistakes while trying to figure out this whole concept of personality disorders. I misinterpreted the meanings of emotions. I was even scared.
The illness is incurable, much like many other psychological defects. The best you can do about them is to learn how to live in spite of the problem. It is hard for the others to understand what you go through every day. And it is unfair to expect them to support you always. That might start to be unsettling and lead into isolation or loneliness. The thing is, people don’t accept it. Those who haven’t gone through something like this don’t understand the problem, making it difficult for them to empathize. Maybe even if they did go through stuff like this, they were ignored or brutally made to live through it, which in turn has a harmful consequence in the overall upbringing, such as lack of tolerance or full-fledged ignorance. After a hard learned lesson, I accepted this as a fact. It does not even matter if no one except you understands the problem. Thus, I worked on the solution myself. I researched so that I could learn more about the nature of this illness and talked to a psychiatrist about it (which is not always an easy thing to do).This was the first step in healing my future.
I read posts about those already suffering from this and other mental illnesses and reading about the stigma and understanding the science, the “chemistry” behind these defects gave me hope. Relating to them, talking to the mental health awareness communities, and most importantly, writing about the whole problem meant acknowledging it. Thus, the next step of the healing process had begun.
The traditional ways of easing into a defective life were meditating, mindfulness, a few tranquillizing medicines for the depression and anxiety. Let me tell you a secret, these so called remedies are only so much effective as to get you through with one day, or maybe a week. To actually live with this thing is to learn about it. To change your line of thoughts, to think in a different way. To achieve this, I would suggest reading articles or books even that might help. Self-help books, even a few psychologically motivating movies, and talking, sharing with people who REALLY care, all of that goes a long way.
I am not saying that after doing all of this, you will be miraculously cured. No, it is not a piece of cake. You will get you episodes of trauma, or whatever the symptoms may be, but these are not an obstacle. Your illness is not a hurdle in the path of your life. It is something that makes you special. Your illness is something that makes you different. It gives you the ability of high empathy, making you a much better human being. The craziness gives your personality a very different edge, and the confidence you gain after having gone through the hardest periods is so empowering. All you need is to develop a positive attitude. You need to build this through months and years, there is always time. There is always a way out.
And I’ll leave you with this: It is in your head, and only in your head is the power you need to fight against your (sub) conscious.
The Word Warrior,