It’s all in your head!
So what exactly is in my head? A complete analysis-cum-confession that I am crazy. Yes, self-diagnosed with a mental illness that probably no one else gives a damn about!
- I cry more.
- I get very angry. Uncontrollably and monstrously. I roar in anger, I get tremors in my body and I am completely capable of killing!
- I get depression attacks for no reason.
- I think, a lot. [And no, I can’t help it. Believe me, I’ve tried]
- I find it hard to sleep sometimes and don’t feel like eating even when I’m hungry. I either starve myself or binge on unhealthy stuff.
- I feel alone and left out.
- Subconsciously and consciously, I do self-harm in subtle and minute ways. [skip details]
I’ve tried talking to my friends and parents about the recent state of my brain, but they haven’t been very helpful. My parents don’t believe in the symptoms I show, of a particular mental illness called the Bipolar Personality Disorder. I gave a few online psychological tests, for anger, depression, and irritability. Everywhere, in the results, I found this illness common. BPD is characterized by unstable moods, emotions, and behavior. Although I don’t show most of the more destructive symptoms, I’m afraid; an illness left uncured could lead to intensifying of the same.
To my parents and relatives,
I may not be able to open up about all the situations and details with you all, but I do get scared of myself. I’ve sobbed more often these days, and everyone knows me as the happy, positive person. It is getting more difficult to maintain that image in the recent times. I know you all do not believe in mental illnesses, but they do exist. In every human, there is at least one mental defect and more, or more intense in some cases. I don’t want to hear that it’s because of the way I think or the amount of thinking I do. I don’t need discouragement by being said, “It’s because of bad habits.” That may or may not be true. But what I want is empathy, try to understand how I feel and help me get out of it rather than making me stupid to think such things or making me realize it’s my mistake. I have heard that enough from all of you, now for some understanding me. It’s time you all got to know me and accepted me the way I am. Because I have. And I promise I will be better soon, with or without your help.
To my friends,
I have some very close friends that I can be truthful to, and share the deepest emotions with. I’m thankful to God and thankful to all of you for being there. But you have the right to know that I have felt left out, ignored by you people too. I do feel that none of you care. I feel like no one is bothered. I know it’s my life and I have to make it myself. But you people are the few that I really count on. Rely on. I have wanted to lean my head on your shoulder and cry for hours. I have wanted to hold your hands and talk to you about how I’ve felt recently, but none of you have been around when the trauma struck. I do understand and realize later that you all have busy lives, but what I’m trying to say here is that I tend to feel this way. I tend to feel unloved and unwanted. Don’t be hurt. I love you people. Don’t call me stupid for saying that I am mentally ill. Believe me when I say I need help.
For the truest confessions,
I feel miserable. Restless. Sad. Angry. Irritated. Empty.
I fall short of words to describe the exact jelly-like feeling right there in my chest and the shaking giddiness of my head in a real physical sense. And it is not in the nature of an aspiring writer, to fall short of words. It makes me feel worthless. And I need you all. I am not afraid to ask for it. I am not ashamed of being this way. It is something that could happen to any other human. It happens to every other person, it happens to more people than we know.
To the society and the world,
Let us not ignore the seriousness (not in my case) of the rising mental illnesses in the 21st century. It is not only me. It’s us. All of us in this crazy competitive life, and the way we are expected to live. Ordinarily. None of us are ordinary. With our own flaws, talents, sicknesses, and personalities, we are all unique. Each one of us is different. Let’s not stereotype people and force them to be an in a particular way. Let us not be the living aspects of social pressure on all the folks who don’t fit in. It’s okay to not fit in. These kinds of pressures affect every individual in a different way. and taking into consideration a number of people, the amount of influence each one of us has on each other, and the varying intensity and the ability of each one to feel particular feelings, it’s scary to think of how a little something could affect each individual.
To all those who go through similar problems,
Don’t be ashamed of what you are. Believe that there are good people around, willing to help. Talk, open up. Don’t die inside yourself. Ask for help. It is okay to trust people and get betrayed. It is okay to get hurt, but it is important to love and care for yourself, above all. Let your mental illness not make you look ugly, where the flaw proudly and show the brave, strong fighter in you to the world. Show them how you fought. Boast about living, making it through all your flaws, and scars. Fight long enough to survive and tell the tale. Make a point before you die, make an impact. Find something to live for, and LIVE. Be easy on yourself. I know it is difficult to feel the way you do. But it is not the end. It is life and this is what life will always be like. Defeat the problems and conquer your own life.
You are all worth everything good! You deserve better days!
“Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you could almost taste it…”
–Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield
The pen is in your hand. It is your story. Your life, you write!
©The Word Warrior Fights Back.