Introspection #2

Introspecting through the waters of negative thoughts.

Once again I am in that phase wherein I get huge oceans of negative feelings. I don’t feel good from the inside and everything just makes me mad! As far as I know, I was never the person with a short temper, or maybe nasty snapping, anger, jealousy, lonely sort of feelings.

My cranky pants have stuck to my ass this time. They refuse to come out. Well, this is not the first time I sunk deep into the sea of negativity. But this time, it is different. More like, I have made this low-lying ocean bed my home. Although I am a nomad who keeps moving from lying on the ocean bed to flying in the skies, I am too tired this time to “move”. Since, I do not like this “me” who is so negative, un-myself, who contradicts my own principles, who acts so out of element, I wish to move. I do not want this to be the permanent change, my home forever. No.

This negativity, first of all, is the most “out-of-the-blue-moon” kind. People ask me why this long face, why the sadness, why the trauma, why the depression. And I have nothing to say, because honestly people, I got no idea. No, none of it! And that helps me the least, to actually get out of this situation. So please, do not ask! This has happened once or twice, roughly, before. And I have been to the extremes of having wanted to die, of just quitting everything.

THE CAUSES:

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Of course, it’s not the same this time. But this time, the effects are different.

THE EFFECTS:

  1. I speak less (otherwise I am a talking parrot)
  2. I am so lost, distant. (I was always “Alice in Wonderland” but that was in a good way)
  3. I am nasty, I snap at people with an increasing frequency. (I never took things too seriously)
  4. I get mad too soon to not be guilty (hats off to you if you understood that)
  5. I get jealous, I get greedy and I think too much. (yeah, all the non-me traits here)
  6. I think too much. (I always do, but this time, it’s all negative thoughts, only!)
  7. I just keep thinking. On loop.
  8. I think loads. Period.
  9. I think and think and think! That much.
  10. I want to cry but I can’t. (if I am better, I do cry, no, I am not ashamed of it too))
  11. I hate everything, everybody, I feel lonely and push them all away. (usually, I was enough for me)
  12. I think a lot. Unreasonable, illogical. (okay this was the last time)
  13. I lost focus, concentration, and of course my usual bad humor too (yes, I had a collection of bad jokes, but people at least laughed.)
  14. I have become less confident (ashamed) and thus less flamboyant (ashamed to death)

 

That last point, that and only that has triggered me finally to change back to normal. That is what has given me the encouragement enough to stop being a lazy ass, get up and get moving. Because once I lose my element, my flamboyant self, is when I am surely going to start hating myself. Second, I hate the feeling of being 1. Ashamed, 2. Guilty, 3. Self-pitied, more than I hate being lonely and negative.

Having written all this down, (with the method: “write whatever comes to your mind”) now I know that I have to fight my huge ass, and the pressure of the ocean above me, and at least get to the ground level. It shall take the time to start moving again on land, or fly (whatever be my wish thereafter) but at least I need to get out of here. And this post itself is inspiration enough!

*in a dramatic way* “I need your prayers.”

Those who have known me enough, or those who could relate, know the struggle that I probably put in mild words this time. Do let me know if this is only me, or this happens to you all too: being sad, negative or depressed without a particular reason.

Empathy is always better than sympathy, or pity. (That’s worse)

  1. S.: append.The_Effects (“I am not able to write creatively!! (That sure has to be the ultimate inspiration, because, writing is life!”)

P.S.S: ignore my irrelevant CS language, (probably wrong, surely wrong) usage in between the lines.

Thank you!

The Word Warrior drowning in the ocean,

KashafS

Announcement: There will be a post with the tricks and ways to get out of the negative phase too, in the Strength And Motivation category. That, after I swim myself out of here. 😉

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3 thoughts on “Introspection #2

  1. Patty says:

    O yes, been there before and not once but several times…I promise you, as older as you get, it all will make more sense. Although…hmm. Still not getting all stupidity myself yet, haha
    Hang in there beautiful soul, XxX

    Like

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