As simple as that. Something I am very good at. Change. Something I have various thoughts on. Change.
And for the record, I just changed my blog address. More about it at the end of this Post.
What I noticed some good time back, was that it’s not just one day you wake up and BAM! Your life changes. It is a slow process, sometimes making you desperate to reach the other end. It is transition that happens, and gradually, you realize that after all this time, your life did change.
I had been a very silly girl in the past. Too many emotions inside of me had brought me to a psychologically paralyzed state. I had no idea what I was doing; I was more forgetful, mostly daydreaming. Hazardously daydreaming that is. I scored worse with each passing day. I was in the seventh grade, then. My parents misunderstood my emotional tantrum that was killing me inside. I was shy, quiet, and stupid. I could have done so well with psychological counselling then. But they thought of it as “bad influence”. Really? Bad influence? I had literally stopped interacting, I had no friends.
I had to get an admission in a new school, a highly disciplined institution.
But they say that things change for good.
And so they did.
I did come out of my nutshell, my ability and talent of writing came out too. I was still silly like before. Desperate for love. I had always, and to some extent, still do think that I lacked love in my life. That was the time I believed in love. It was easy for me to feel like I loved someone. And I felt like I was least loved. I had a crush on every other guy. And a tender age that was.
Once I was out of school, I had great emotional breakdown. Some big great deals happened. That summer was another turning point. I was completely broken and I had gone back to being like what I was in the seventh grade. I had no friends still. I was all alone, and still felt hated by all. Love was still lacking from my life, because I believed this concept in the first place. I did not know that this was a transitional phase of my life, which started right after I began recovering from the emotional crisis. I had run into that little shell of mine, and now, I was peeping gingerly out from it. Seeing light. I had woken up long back, but now I saw, I opened my eyes.
When I began my first sophomore year at college, I had to travel. One hour journey from home. It was tedious and it triggered my hypo-tension(low blood pressure) and sunstroke. But I became stronger. This travelling part was the thing that made me stronger. I went to a place which had a completely different aura. Different air.
This change of the air I breathed was the cause of change in me.
So here I was all new and fresh and glittering. I thought for myself. I matured, I finally began knowing myself. I saw what I really was. And what some stupid psychiatrist had done to me when I was merely 2 years old.
Yeah. That story came back to me one of these days, and I realized. This was the reason I changed and that poison had spread all over me all these years until now. This psychiatrist was because I was very naughty, mischievous, and stubborn kid. I was 2 years old and I bullied people until their nose bled. I was a great puncher, and I was called a tomboy since then. After this psychiatrist did her magic on me, I completely changed. I was totally the opposite. Now I was the one who came home with a bleeding nose. I was shy, awkward and friendless. This carried on for the next 14 years.
I learnt so much from the experience. Betrayal, fights, wrong people, right people doing wrong things, hurting, heartbreaks, and all of these other things. They taught me what life was like. but this changed ambience taught me how I was going to handle this confusion called life.
And so I was back! The fire that was suppressed in me had burnt all of me inside. Now it was its turn to come out. I was no more the girly, shy person. I realized I was born tomboy. I was born rough and loud and that was who I was going to be. It was my identity.
Yes I was so lost. I was confused, because as I said it’s not just one day that you wake up and you know everything. I am still lost. I am confused. There are so many things going on. And I am a tangled mess of thoughts among these things.
But at least I changed. I changed back. And that realization did not get its piece of gratefulness. So here. Thank you everyone and anyone who contributed to this change back. My friends that I made after entering into the transit. zone. There, that beautiful place I traveled. To the trains that took me there. To the Mumbai Local train fights. To the sun, who made me stubborn against itself. To the parents who did not pamper me. To the people who judged me so that I knew they were so wrong. To those who never minded my straightforwardness.
Thank you. To my lost, accelerated, unnecessary thoughts that gave me things to write about.
To myself for being so messy and still being so strong. For accepting my mess and lost conscious as yet another attribute of my character. To see beauty in my eyes and in every flaw I had. To love myself and stop expecting it from anyone else.
Thank you to my beliefs, to have stopped believing in love, something nonexistent outside yourself.
To these words that I speak and this world I see.
I learnt, I changed, I grew.
I am still learning, still changing every day. I am still growing, as much as I refuse to do so. I am very pleased with myself for being so adapting to the innumerable changes that I came across. It was difficult once I was habituated to the previous lifestyle. But I did adapt to the new changed one too. I took my time and people who adapted to my changes even before I could, made it so much more difficult. But I survived. I was so strong and I am so proud that I was. I still am. I am everything I want o be. Stubborn, carefree, fun loving.
I do have those emotional breakdowns, but I love myself for who I am. This is my greatest achievement. It has always given me pleasure. Change has made me who I am. It is like being altered and cut to be in this shape that I am today. Still being cut by wounds. I have my sword. I have my weapon, “words”. Thus the changed address of my website named “Escape Into Words”
A Word Warrior’s Blog
I did not change the name. Of course. This warrior will escape the ones who need escaping. You will be escaped by words, into more words. *notice the changed blog icon too*. Just keep up!
We are in this together.
Escape into words,
The Word Warrior,
CROOKED TEETH, CROOKED CROWN. STAB ME, BURN ME AND I STILL WON’T FROWN.
-The Word Warrior-kashafS
Daily Prompt: Transformation