I Grew Up!

I Grew Up!

The 17 years, 364 days, 23 hours young girl sat on her bed with her teddy bear in her hand. She pretended to dress it up with her scarf, while listening to all the Avril Lavigne songs possible. She was listening to 17 last year this time because she was turning 17. This year again she listened to the song because she would never be 17 again, these were the last hours.

Usually, she was much more positive during her birthdays like new years, but this year things were just different. She seemed to be lost and confused about everything. She was just passing her days as they came and went by. Everybody around her seemed to not notice what was happening to her, but of course, it was inside. She listened to all those songs that made her feel good and gave her some positive thoughts. Like surfers on the sea shore.

She had two little drops of tears under her eyes. Nobody made it a big deal, and she wouldn’t act like she always did on her birthdays, all excited and forcing people to love her, make her feel special. She thought probably they were exhausted loving her. The negativity was evident in her thoughts. And so even the songs like “Here’s To Never Growing Up” and “The Best Damn Thing” didn’t make her feel better. Of course she knew deep down that she was never really growing up with all the mischief inside. And she also knew that she was “the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.” She was a self motivated and emotionally self brought up. So she finally had things to be proud of. She had it inside, all these varied thoughts along with the disappointment by people around her, who seemed to be least bothered. She did not know why she bothered even when she knew there was a cake sitting in the refrigerator waiting to get out.

She expected too much. The phone showed 12:00 AM. And everybody was quietly doing their respective night time chores. Tears stung her eyes as she checked her phone, expecting at least one call. None came. Nobody wished her. She wished herself. And made her teddy bear do the same. And her teddy looked her in the eye, “Happy Birthday dear,” he said. And her tears fell.

12:03 AM

12:04 AM

12:10 AM

No calls. Only her mother rolling over the table in front of the sofa and calling her,

“Come on, Birthday Girl,”

She smiled, finally, and plopped herself on the cushioned soft sofa. Her dad came and sat on her left and her mom adjusted herself on the right. After much fidgeting and shuttering sounds of the camera, blowing the candle and re-igniting them she finally blew away the two candles on that Blueberry Cake (because she was not allowed chocolate). She innocently asked, “Am I turning two?”

“You will never be older than two for us, baby” her dad replied.

Then of course there was the birthday song while she cut the cake and giving it to her parents and aunt, and then relentingly, her sister, with whom the cold war of two years was on the verge of ending. She was thankful about it. But she loved it that her sister still bought cakes on her birthday a she did for hers.

But all this was about them, and it was her birthday, which had to be about her. She had probably only one split second of feeling special. Maybe, because of the negative clouds wandering on top of her head. Everybody went on clicking pictures and sharing them to one another. She kept expecting calls, and her to-be-brother-in-law called. Duh! None of her friends.

She kept thinking and wondering a mixture of positive and negative thoughts throughout the night. (her insomnia did not move) and so this is how she finally matured. She grew up!

Still lost and knowingly crazy, mischievous, naughty, swinging between being rebellious and conservative, un-girly, outgoing, talkative, and most of all, unlike any one else, she finally crossed the fence over to adulthood. Leaving her lost childhood behind. Her childhood she spent not to the much notice of the others, quite maturely, because, unlike other teens, she hid her trauma, she hid her tantrums deep inside and they were the monsters that ate up her childhood from inside. And she knew how to tease these monsters by being childish always, before and hereafter too. She wanted to accept her past and not hate it. She would start it now. It is not just one day you wake up and you have all the knowledge. Learning is a continuous process. Every experience teaches you. You have to be steady along with the life you live.

This day she would be steady. She begins. She burns her fire on the past and uses it to lighten up her future. She was lost, yes. She was messed up, yes. She knows now, that that is what she is supposed to be like. She accepts the mess she is, she feels nothing bad about being lost. Because, lost she maybe, but what if on the right path? What if she feels lost because she is somewhere new? This world on the other side of the fence, adulthood, is all new to the feels, if not to the knowledge of it.

She is me! And I have steadied myself, ready to launch into this new world of vague possibilities.

 

I just grew up!

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16 thoughts on “I Grew Up!

  1. Thehungryballer says:

    Hehe ! I couldn’t grasp if today’s your birthday or not (thanks to my dim-wit)…but if it is then A Very Happy Birthday ! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. piezoradeon says:

    Heya! I’m the detention guy apparently two days late ….
    Well ummm … The line I leave behind my lost childhood! That was fu*king deep …
    And I think know why here’s to never growing up and stuff didn’t help much … It’s because u may not have heard her single called FLY … It’s like her best song ever!
    Well … Now youre 18! And just may have realised that 18th bday is always a let down coz we expect a bit too much!
    Plus I don’t know why you werent in the mood for it … But if I were you I’d focus on the cake… Someone’s drooling in Hyderabad …. I’m not sure who.. But you can guess ( I know you’re rolling your eyes on this lame joke) but seriously the cake looks delicious!
    And I really hope that u have a better year this time around!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kashafS says:

    Thanks you so much! So Hyderabad huh? I have heard FLY only did not mention here in the post. I have a list of AL songs on my playlist. And yeah 18th bday was a let down, what added to it was the negativity and messiness. Anyways, I’ll use up this year to actually think about what matters and try to cease the rest thought processes, if that is even possible in my case 😛
    Anyways, Thank you so much! The cake is blueberry, BTW 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. piezoradeon says:

    Oooh cool!
    I never said about any Hyderabadi here … Someone may have been drooling there!

    Plus blueberry! I would’ve grabbed the cake all for myself! Hell with the world! My bday my cake .. My belly!

    Oh … And I really am not sure what negativity or whatever is holding u back … But people who are there for you matter … Others .. Meh …they’re like cakes … They keep coming and going .. Some perfect.. Some undervalued … Some with too mich icing … Some stale … But the best ones … The best ones always end up in your tummy!
    So it doesn’t matter if people wished or not! It’s people who wished that matter!

    So spread your wings across the universe, coz it’s your time to fly!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. kashafS says:

    Hehehe 🙂 Thanks again and again. I know about this negativity? It keeps coming suddenely out of nowhere. For all i know i could have a serious psychological disorder, maybe. Anyways as mentioned i the post, I am self motivated and emotinally, self brought up! And i have that to always be proud of!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. kashafS says:

    Anyways I re-read the post and I realised how overwhelmed i must have been there were soo many messed up points there!!
    Anyways do tell me, are you from Hyderabad or no?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. piezoradeon says:

    Well … That’s real good!
    I’ve self motivated myself too … There were bad times … I wrote about it too though …. And well … Being self motivated is the best thing anyone could ever hope for!
    Oh .. And I’m a Hyderabadi !

    PS there’s a type up there … I guess it was something l9ike instead of like …
    That’s one messed up thing

    Liked by 1 person

  8. kashafS says:

    Not only that i messed up spellings and grammar too… Anyways updated the post! Phew! And yes bringing yourself up, not being traumatic, not throwing tantrums, it is a great achievement, seeing the generation we came with. So we have to be proud!
    Cheers to the strong ones!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. kashafS says:

    Yeah, overthinking is what i regularly do. Its alright. I do balance between living my fun life and acting like a depressed person!! Thanks anyways!

    Liked by 1 person

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